Selfish or Survival?

Leaning back in my leather chair, listening to the reverberating tone of a woman that I knew through a common circle of friends, she continued on about her fiance..... Sigh....
Continuing the torture, she moves on to tell me that she got proposed to twice. Simultaneously.....
With my shattered ego, I, in true Trini fashion, "checked myself".
Now, first off, I aint that bad looking, I am faithful, I have my head on my shoulders and I love with my all.
Why is it, am I still single?
What is going on with me?
She then proceeded to ask me, forcing me out of my self analysis, "what about you?"........
I never wanted to be asked this, I was in no manner feeling 100%, with a napkin in my hand, every 5 minutes, wiping my nose and rubbing my swollen knee cap.
I focused on her while she twirled her pony tail and verbal diarrhea proceeded to flow.....
"I am selfish....."
She looks at me, face slowly frowning. And all I am thinking is the straight lipped emoticon.
I continued....
"I don't think anyone is worth my time...."

She looked at me with absolutely no expression on her face, the final twirl on her ponytail seized. She looked down at the seating map and continued with saying.... " So.... the ministers will sit here..." completely disregarding my revelation.

Embarrassed? yes I was. But then again, why should I be... It was true. It is not that I did not want a relationship, but in my heart of hearts, no one was ever good enough to share my time with. As sad and as genuine that statement was, I pushed forward trying to end the meeting.

In my lifetime, so far I have ran into some pretty annoying, loud, know-it-alls, and simply I refuse to devote one more second trying to understand them and contort my life trying to fit their schedules in.....

I am too nice a person and too giving, in that regard to asked to be loved....

Anywhoooo, back to the meeting, she walked out of my office dazed. I guess my answer was unexpected.

Hopefully, when the heavens decide to shine there hope.... there will be someone... or many... lol.... but, there might be someone who I can give my all to..

Hopefully I would recognize it and not watch it pass me by....and pelt the shit out of it while it passes... (big stone)

After all of jumbled thoughts and trying to make sense out of the rubble left by previous lovers. I recognize, its not being selfish, its just trying to survive.....


life is good. ( i think)

MS.....