Getting past emotions...love....hate... anger.... LET's DO THIS SHIT 2018!!!

Well what a fucked up year..... kicked in the nuts.... thanks 2017!

I sat on my bed, staring at the screen of my laptop, empty note pad at my side, my pen full of thoughts but unable to paint the landscapes running through my mind. This year taught how to be a little more tough than I was before. Not just say what I am going to, not just strategize, but place action to every word that escapes my lips and stand behind my thoughts.

My life, my ideals, my thoughts... took a turn this year, regarding family, my cancer, my job, my friends. Amidst the darkness, fear and loneliness, it was the brightest moment of my life. I saw people that I held near, their true colours, their true beliefs of me and it was a bitter pill to swallow, yet, I managed.

Facing death straight in the face, my cancer taking a turn for the worse, I managed to find some reason to live when everyone left and walked out. The angels appeared out of the dark and pulled me through, my sister, Doll, who never gave up on me and showed up every morning to bathe me and protect me when I was most vulnerable. My friends from far away, rekindled my hope in people and life. Found themselves next to my bed.

The ones I held near, I loved and lived with, Kevon from my business, Fabian who always showed up and professed his love and marriage, I lived with for 3 months, I knew for 3 years, Hayden my friend and ex from years ago never showed. These people I built my world around and yet they never bothered nor came to make amends since I was on death bed. This left the remaining pieces of my heart broken, my spirit of the family I once thought I built in shambles.

Now looking back a month later, I am happy I had that brush with death, I am happy that I now know the people who genuinely loved me no matter what and the ones that just came along because of my successes.

The stresses that once broke me, now seem to be minor hurdles that I cannot fix with the snap of a finger.
The new people that wants to come into my circle, my analysis is on point and sharpened.
The angels that breathed life into me, I will cherish forever.
The blood family and friends that has forsaken me, I will still be civil and smile with you, God knows you need it.

I am going to make next year mine. 2018 Singh is coming.... Bigger, better... large and in charge...

Can't wait. Let's do this shit!!!

Singh forever.
xoxxooxoxoo

Had to make the move......

Did not know what to say, my hands shook whilst trying to sign my name to terminate the an employee  who I saw as my second half. My hatchet man. My shooter.
I warned him time and time again about numerous infractions that reflected terribly on his decision making process. He was my ride till die partner, my close my eyes and walk into a gun fight with my eyes blind folded and hands tied behind my back.
He never listened, his level of ego, his level of pride and island mentality superseded his ability to listen to words of advise. For his betterment, not others.
He had so much potential, but, thought he knew everything and no one can tell him otherwise.
I could not fight the inevitable.
I signed.
Swift, one motion, and that was the end of a friendship, a business relationship and my ride till die partner.
I realized one thing about myself.
I can love you immensely with my all and that very thin line just aim your jugular as soon as their is any embarrassment.
Draconian? yes.
Hitler-isk? yes.
Extremist? yes.

But, enough is enough.
You got to learn one way or the other.
Either you get with the program or better said, my program or get out.

Good bye my friend.
Be good.
Ride till die....

S. Singh... Journals of an INTJ

True Love.....

The woman who changed me completely........

She was everything I wanted.

Her hands so small, cold to the touch, with a warm heart, resting on my face.

I was rigid, cold… all to protect her.  To never bring harm to her.

She meant everything to me.

She could have never told, I never showed it, I pushed her away.

Everything she did, with grace, passion and consideration.

I was a monster, yet, deep inside, I wanted to keep her in my arms forever.

She made me smile inside with her goofy self.

She made my heart beat.

She made me feel warm inside.

I would spend hours staring at her without her once catching me in the act.

I was so different, I refused to show her how I truly felt.

I was afraid of her…. Her tiny self…. Her tiny existence, made me quiver.

I love you…….can’t wait to see you in my dreams, till we meet again.

Singh

What shit are you telling me?????? Love and cancer is like water and oil.....

“ I was hearing from your EX boyfriend that I was using your credit card to buy watches”…….

Read this sentence again before going forward with reading the following literature. I had a short term relationship with a youngster, but the love I felt was intense. I drowned myself in his words and promises of children and dreams of having a life together. Well yes……. 

Now peeps, I was knocking hard on deaths door, with my cancer I have had for thirteen years. My leukemia took a turn for the worse and I ended up in Mt. Hopeless. That is a different story.

Friends and family came to share some level of hope for me to keep fighting to live. Not much people, five for the most. 

My then boyfriend with so much potential I never saw at my bedside. With morphine, anti-biotics, and chemotherapy running through my system, the then love of my life was no where to be found.

I pondered why, too weak to call with two IV’s on each hand, I could not reach out.

He never came, he never checked in. 

Now, people, I do not go to peoples home uninvited. But finally when my body was functional, I drove to his house. Rang the doorbell, waited in the blistering sun to see his face, and show him that I survived. 

His first words as soon as he opened the door, “Oh Shit.”

I smiled, he came outside and immediately lit up a cigarette, my first words to him, was to ask why he never visited.

His response, as aforementioned, was the bullshit I heard. 

After living with this man for months on end, understanding his body language, his breathing while we slept, hearts beating as one. He believed my EX, who was out to ruin me for some reason. Even though we are pals and have some level of civility. Ten years as partners is a lot of time especially for a cancer patient. 

Have you ever had a moment where your mind flat lined. There was no manner of thinking whatsoever, that happened on hearing such fuckery. 

My cancer and the extent I have reached where a funeral was the next step. He never came to see me off over words with no substance. 

I patted him on the shoulder and said in the most cynical manner, “OK buddy.” While driving out, my stomach dropped. He finally broke my heart, someone, finally found it and kicked it in the face.

I finally revealed to my mother what happened while she made breakfast. She has been married to my father for fifty four years. She gave me words of wisdom regarding the shit I heard. No man will want problems, problems meaning my cancer. They will come around because of how I look and my accomplishments, they will bring the moon and as soon as they get what they want. You are just a notch on their belt. 

She continued….. of course being old school, she said “love” does not exist, to make a marriage work, two things must exist on both ends, respect and comfort. Love will come eventually. But each party must understand their duties. Their word is their bond. 

This is what I was taught, but unfortunately, it’s old thinking in a new world, where love is just four letters, and trust is a crumpled piece of paper. 

A part of me died on that bed at Mt. Hope, my push to live was based on loving my partner, my reason to go through the pain of cancer. Now, as we say in Trinidad, EVERY MAN JACK BAT IN YUH CREASE. My thoughts and my ideals I lived by changed since I got a second chance at life, when it comes to relationships. 

I will be a little selfish and love myself. Love my cancer. Love my independence. Love and respect the words of wisdom from my parents. Love my friends that gave me hope. God help the others that can’t make an excuse quick enough. 

And to those who wish to see me suffer, you are dead wrong. 

I am not a man hater as people think of me, but stupidity, cockiness, and an enormous ego, will not rest with me. 

Not anymore. Step up your game peeps. Don't be a statistic. 

 

Singh

The Truth About Leukemia and my thoughts on this shit.....

Having cancer (CML) is actually I think is one of the unhappiest diseases one can get. Especially the one I was blessed with in some manner. I never spoke of it, I usually deal with things on my own, it’s how I grew up dealing with issues on any level. 

Stress is a main factor in this disease, it manifest in the blood and screws with the bone marrow leaving you in pain for the duration of your breathing. There are the lucky ones that go into remission and live a “Normal” life. 

 

The sad thing about my life, is not having a kid or my own family before this disease took over everything, work, my social life, my love life, my dreams, my thoughts of a white picket fence and a partner that respected me. Probably that lifestyle is not for me. Probably I am too manly, or too opinionated and hate time wasters. I got this disease at 19, been through three relationships, that withered away all blamed on my cancer, they preferred a normal woman or alcohol which I found out thereafter. All I did is loose myself in the business world and the world studies. 

After thirteen years of having this, I figured out a way to cope, and that is feeling nothing. Oddly enough this is a mirror behavior of my father. Going stone cold, building a brick wall around my heart, laughter seem to be something alien to me, happiness is just a word, a straight face and a logical mind, no emotion was the way to go. 

The latest event that occurred, I stressed out to the point my spleen extended to 2 litres across my torso. How was I going to get out of this one alive? I mentally had to create happy moments in my head to look forward to. There were no happy memories. Nothing to reflect on. My friends and family came during visiting hours which gave me some level of hope and comfort. 

When I hear of other cancers, tumors etc, I find it funny, hilarious, to be dead honest, all you need to do is cut it off, blast yourself with radiation and chemotherapy, and after you are back to normal. The memory of the pain will be stained in the minds of the individual going through this level of hell.The publicity and spotlight these get compared to other cancers is hilarious. Tea and biscuits galas..5k runs... Why can't it be just for Cancer in general? But no, full page in the newspaper with lines of bullshit. But, I am guessing cancer in general makes one stronger, you being the butt of the God's cynical joke to see if you can fight out of the barrel and come out alive.

CML is a diseases where your blood goes fucking crazy negatively impacting everything, but thinking and analyzing this carefully over the years, its a mental disease I realize, that control has to be at the forefront. Constantly focusing on flat lining, stupid things people do and say, there must be no reaction. No emotional reaction. 

So imagine the failure of my “loving” relationships. When I saw the other woman, or the one I especially in love with, picked his friends and alcohol instead. Imagine, just sit and try to comprehend the mental agony I knew I had to go through but I could not. I would end up on some ward in a hospital and they will be snuggling with this new lady or a bottle of alcohol.

All my friends that had CML died, there were ten of us, that were on trial drugs. Some of us, it worked for a while and then it took a turn for the worse, they ended up six feet under, or probably burnt according to Hindu rights. The scare of a lifetime thinking I will end up just like them, eating dirt, or feeling my flesh burn off my diseased bones.

I was left alone, I refuse to go, I declined the advice of the doctors. My mother got upset always because I rebelled against doing everything they said, sticking to the book. It’s not my personality. No gym, due to the chemotherapy it thins the vessels, therefore if I did weights, which I usually do, it will pop and I will bleed out internally. I did not care, I was not ignoring the wants of my body and what it screamed out for. If it was kale, then kale it is. If I am dying, I am dying on my terms. 

My family is very supportive, but they can’t understand what I go through, no one can other than the other CML patients, but then again, I can’t lie down and let it take over. The side effects of chemotherapy, my mental state, my hormones, my eternal want to be normal. Or better worded, fit in with society. So I pushed harder than the usual person, to just be average, just like everyone else. I realized I can’t. People close to me always says I am an overachiever. I push too hard. I always want to get up and get. If I want something, I want it now. Time I don’t have. So let’s get it done now. No one is promised tomorrow. Working with me was a complete trip. Probably that’s why my co-workers hated me to the point they wanted me dead. 

With all that being said, I have started a foundation, to help people like me who are in search for a laugh, a smile, a joke to laugh at till tears stream down ones’ face. I wish I had someone to guide me, so with not having that hero, I had to become the hero myself. 

It will be published to the public soon enough, the full extent of the purpose of the foundation and challenging the public health center to give voices to those that are too tired to fight. 

The health public sector is, I am sorry for the language, is pure, compacted, “BULLSHIT”, cancer patients and Trinis in general are treated with utter and complete disregard. I know, I went through the public sector and wished for death. 

Until my last breath I will challenge the system. I won’t be average. And fight for those who can’t go on.  

Singh

 

Was it love? Or was it just a temporary emotion?

The love of my life……

I found him, then I ran. Lol

I sped to the nearest exit.

He was young but made my day. 

All I have now are beautiful memories, but it can work. I end up with a smile on my face.

We spent two months living together, we were engulfed into each other’s’ personalities, facial expressions, smiles, eye contact and touch. 

Sleeping together was something I personally looked forward to, he looked forward to finding new foods. Which I enjoyed also.

In total silence he took my comfort level to the peak, keeping a smile on my face and my hand warm intertwined with his. 

Everything was so perfect, something I never experienced. Something that in my 33 years never felt love or if this is what love was. 

I experienced my first bunch of roses, secret smiles, the constant impulse to buy the things I need.

He is just but a memory now. He is not dead. But I after what we experienced, I know things will never be the same.

I pulled away cause that’s the only thing I knew, I built walls to my heart, he never understood nor had the time to understand. Made me wonder if it was love after all? 

But, I finally experienced true love. Now, I know what it is. 

The cancer patient that have experienced, a closeness to motherhood, true love, friendship.

Now, we don’t speak, but one thing I know, just from looking at my parents, a relationship really can’t have three people in it. 

FCK, thanks for allowing me to feel the true meaning of love or making me feel a certain way. 

Singh.

Love without pain??? But... it still hurts....

Irving Stone once said, there is no love without pain. But, Mr. Stone, Sir... it still hurts as ass!

This came to mind while I tried effortlessly to fade out the buzzing of the 4 lined sharp needles repeatedly piercing my skin. I told myself during this self inflicted hurt, "why the ass are you here Singh?".

The sounds of Eddie Griffin stand up comedy was breaking my mental mantra.... "I wanted this tattoo.. I wanted this tattoo!" I giggled now and then, only after realizing,  if I laughed the needle pierced deeper and therefore bleed more than usual. So Eddie, I love you, you are a funny man but self preservation kicked in and survival mode was switched on, outside for you Eddie, no bleeding for the I.

During the, again reiterating "self-inflicted" ordeal, I realized the mind is an amazing thing, each needle that punctured my skin, breaking the surface, brought various sensations throughout the body to the surface of my mind. At some point the agony felt marvelous and I relished in the buzz of the machine, which I once cringed at the sound.  Pain became beautiful, the thin line people talk about between love and hate was this said experience.... The shading of the tattoo, the pain felt, became so pleasurable, so peaceful, so addictive. I leaned back relaxed on the chair, sometimes doozing into a coma like state.

My thoughts meandered through the ongoing flowing rivers of my past, my friends, my experiences, my emotions, my loves, my hates, my mortal enemies.... hmmm.... my mortal enemies...... grrrrr..... It then circled to why I was sitting in this chair. Because I wanted this piece of art with me for the rest of my life, marking my successes, jerking my straying thoughts back to the straight and narrow as to keeping my chin up and not letting my crown slip off my head for any wars waged against me.

The tattoo meant more to me than just ink, or just a kid rebelling against the world of the "normal". 

This time around, the pain caused love.... the pain reminded me of who I am, what I have been through, love/hate relationships, broken trust, broken spirits, a struggle with cancer for 11 years where I tried to fit in and be normal. Holding these bricks on my shoulders, bleeding from my very soul or what was left of it.

But why be normal? For whom? For what? The pain caused me to love myself, more than just skin deep, but in a way that my demons don't scare me anymore. Silence is welcomed than shunned. My soul healed, my heart uncaged, an exhale of pure release.

So....... after all that jazz.... how do we put this now Mr. Stone? " There is no love without pain." or can we say also, " With self inflicted pain comes real love..."

N.B. Whatever I smoked this morning is probably some pretty good sh*t.... JK Police... JK....

Singh over and out.
Food for thought!
xoxo