Having cancer (CML) is actually I think is one of the unhappiest
diseases one can get. Especially the one I was blessed with in some manner. I
never spoke of it, I usually deal with things on my own, it’s how I grew up
dealing with issues on any level.
Stress is a main factor in this disease, it manifest in the
blood and screws with the bone marrow leaving you in pain for the duration of
your breathing. There are the lucky ones that go into remission and live a “Normal”
life.
The sad thing about my life, is not having a kid or my own
family before this disease took over everything, work, my social life, my love
life, my dreams, my thoughts of a white picket fence and a partner that
respected me. Probably that lifestyle is not for me. Probably I am too manly, or too opinionated and hate time wasters. I got this disease at 19, been
through three relationships, that withered away all blamed on my cancer, they preferred
a normal woman or alcohol which I found out thereafter. All I did is loose
myself in the business world and the world studies.
After thirteen years of having this, I figured out a way to
cope, and that is feeling nothing. Oddly enough this is a mirror behavior of
my father. Going stone cold, building a brick wall around my heart, laughter
seem to be something alien to me, happiness is just a word, a straight face and
a logical mind, no emotion was the way to go.
The latest event that occurred, I stressed out to the point
my spleen extended to 2 litres across my torso. How was I going to get out of
this one alive? I mentally had to create happy moments in my head to look forward
to. There were no happy memories. Nothing to reflect on. My friends and family
came during visiting hours which gave me some level of hope and comfort.
When I hear of other cancers, tumors etc, I find it funny,
hilarious, to be dead honest, all you need to do is cut it off, blast yourself
with radiation and chemotherapy, and after you are back to normal. The memory
of the pain will be stained in the minds of the individual going through this
level of hell.The publicity and spotlight these get compared to other cancers is hilarious. Tea and biscuits galas..5k runs... Why can't it be just for Cancer in general? But no, full page in the newspaper with lines of bullshit. But, I am guessing cancer in general makes one stronger, you being the butt of the God's cynical joke to see if you can fight out of the barrel and come out alive.
CML is a diseases where your blood goes fucking crazy negatively impacting everything, but thinking and analyzing this carefully over the years, its a mental disease I realize, that control has
to be at the forefront. Constantly focusing on flat lining, stupid things
people do and say, there must be no reaction. No emotional reaction.
So imagine the failure of my “loving” relationships. When I
saw the other woman, or the one I especially in love with, picked his friends
and alcohol instead. Imagine, just sit and try to comprehend the mental agony I
knew I had to go through but I could not. I would end up on some ward in a
hospital and they will be snuggling with this new lady or a bottle of alcohol.
All my friends that had CML died, there were ten of us, that
were on trial drugs. Some of us, it worked for a while and then it took a turn
for the worse, they ended up six feet under, or probably burnt according to
Hindu rights. The scare of a lifetime thinking I will end up just like them, eating dirt, or feeling my flesh burn off my diseased bones.
I was left alone, I refuse to go, I declined the advice of the
doctors. My mother got upset always because I rebelled against doing everything
they said, sticking to the book. It’s not my personality. No gym, due to the
chemotherapy it thins the vessels, therefore if I did weights, which I usually
do, it will pop and I will bleed out internally. I did not care, I was not
ignoring the wants of my body and what it screamed out for. If it was kale,
then kale it is. If I am dying, I am dying on my terms.
My family is very supportive, but they can’t understand what
I go through, no one can other than the other CML patients, but then again, I
can’t lie down and let it take over. The side effects of chemotherapy, my
mental state, my hormones, my eternal want to be normal. Or better worded, fit in
with society. So I pushed harder than the usual person, to just be average,
just like everyone else. I realized I can’t. People close to me always says I
am an overachiever. I push too hard. I always want to get up and get. If I want
something, I want it now. Time I don’t have. So let’s get it done now. No one
is promised tomorrow. Working with me was a complete trip. Probably that’s why
my co-workers hated me to the point they wanted me dead.
With all that being said, I have started a foundation, to
help people like me who are in search for a laugh, a smile, a joke to laugh at
till tears stream down ones’ face. I wish I had someone to guide me, so with
not having that hero, I had to become the hero myself.
It will be published to the public soon enough, the full
extent of the purpose of the foundation and challenging the public health center to give voices to those that are too tired to fight.
The health public sector is, I am sorry for the language, is
pure, compacted, “BULLSHIT”, cancer patients and Trinis in general are treated
with utter and complete disregard. I know, I went through the public sector and
wished for death.
Until my last breath I will challenge the system. I won’t be
average. And fight for those who can’t go on.
Singh
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