What shit are you telling me?????? Love and cancer is like water and oil.....

“ I was hearing from your EX boyfriend that I was using your credit card to buy watches”…….

Read this sentence again before going forward with reading the following literature. I had a short term relationship with a youngster, but the love I felt was intense. I drowned myself in his words and promises of children and dreams of having a life together. Well yes……. 

Now peeps, I was knocking hard on deaths door, with my cancer I have had for thirteen years. My leukemia took a turn for the worse and I ended up in Mt. Hopeless. That is a different story.

Friends and family came to share some level of hope for me to keep fighting to live. Not much people, five for the most. 

My then boyfriend with so much potential I never saw at my bedside. With morphine, anti-biotics, and chemotherapy running through my system, the then love of my life was no where to be found.

I pondered why, too weak to call with two IV’s on each hand, I could not reach out.

He never came, he never checked in. 

Now, people, I do not go to peoples home uninvited. But finally when my body was functional, I drove to his house. Rang the doorbell, waited in the blistering sun to see his face, and show him that I survived. 

His first words as soon as he opened the door, “Oh Shit.”

I smiled, he came outside and immediately lit up a cigarette, my first words to him, was to ask why he never visited.

His response, as aforementioned, was the bullshit I heard. 

After living with this man for months on end, understanding his body language, his breathing while we slept, hearts beating as one. He believed my EX, who was out to ruin me for some reason. Even though we are pals and have some level of civility. Ten years as partners is a lot of time especially for a cancer patient. 

Have you ever had a moment where your mind flat lined. There was no manner of thinking whatsoever, that happened on hearing such fuckery. 

My cancer and the extent I have reached where a funeral was the next step. He never came to see me off over words with no substance. 

I patted him on the shoulder and said in the most cynical manner, “OK buddy.” While driving out, my stomach dropped. He finally broke my heart, someone, finally found it and kicked it in the face.

I finally revealed to my mother what happened while she made breakfast. She has been married to my father for fifty four years. She gave me words of wisdom regarding the shit I heard. No man will want problems, problems meaning my cancer. They will come around because of how I look and my accomplishments, they will bring the moon and as soon as they get what they want. You are just a notch on their belt. 

She continued….. of course being old school, she said “love” does not exist, to make a marriage work, two things must exist on both ends, respect and comfort. Love will come eventually. But each party must understand their duties. Their word is their bond. 

This is what I was taught, but unfortunately, it’s old thinking in a new world, where love is just four letters, and trust is a crumpled piece of paper. 

A part of me died on that bed at Mt. Hope, my push to live was based on loving my partner, my reason to go through the pain of cancer. Now, as we say in Trinidad, EVERY MAN JACK BAT IN YUH CREASE. My thoughts and my ideals I lived by changed since I got a second chance at life, when it comes to relationships. 

I will be a little selfish and love myself. Love my cancer. Love my independence. Love and respect the words of wisdom from my parents. Love my friends that gave me hope. God help the others that can’t make an excuse quick enough. 

And to those who wish to see me suffer, you are dead wrong. 

I am not a man hater as people think of me, but stupidity, cockiness, and an enormous ego, will not rest with me. 

Not anymore. Step up your game peeps. Don't be a statistic. 

 

Singh