Where are the clowns..... Someone Bring Sprangalang on stage....

Usually, my blogs will be written over a cup of mint or green tea at night usually by myself on the couch or on my patio looking out at the ocean or mountains. This one, a little different. A cup of coffee, Tao Cruz playing softly in the background and my mind running a mile a minute. I don't usually pray, I speak to God, the universal being, the supreme one, the enlightened host.... I carry on a conversation with this being. But last night, I got the urge to kneel by my bedside and just sit there in silence. Words were blocked by something I knew nothing about. Thoughts had no sequence, everything was fuzzed and veiled. Clarity came in little loop holes. Finally, after what seemed like a half an hour of kneeling, tears were the first to emerge, something I have not done genuinely in some time. Broken syllables suffered to make some logical sense. I knew the supreme being knew my thoughts in my head and my heart, but for me, getting it out was hell..... (Big Mar Comm Manager and I could not communicate.... jah...) I promised my self some changes. These changes were going to be the hardest set I have ever made in my life but, I needed some support, some back up from that invisible force I know is always around me. I needed the strength to get past some of the huge boulders in my way. I knew I could do it, but the mental harnesses scurried its way to the forefront, making me focus on what I lacked than what I had to do to get over my issues. Last night after the physical push at the gym, the run that seemed effortless, the weights that had no passion to lift. I found myself to my tombstone, and listened to the silence that grew on me like wild weeds engulfing the forest floor. The silence starved any sort of life from me. Innately, survival, just like a drowning man needed air to sustain life, I dropped to my knees and without a word my mind struggled to find words to bring some sort of comfort to my issue that cannot be labeled. I am usually around so many people, giving the social laugh, the painful facial smiles, the superficial conversations, the out of the box jokes and yet I still find myself being alone. Sadly, the comfort I had with others seemed to be wiped out clean. Leaving behind empty smiles and laughter that has no substance. (torture).... then when the pain of being the bright eyed girl seems to bore me and becomes too much. I revert to my tombstone....where solace and silence exist. Who would have ever thought life would have turned out this way. Thoughts can be a hell of a thing. They can make you or break you. I guess everything in life can do this. Universe you know I mean well. Please let whatever is coming my way. Let it be to my benefit. Singh.