Blast from the Past!!!!

Saw my blast from the past today….

More than eight years of my formative life went into this dream thinking that THIS WAS IT!!!!. I fought everyone and everything just to be with him. I believed in him and I. I believed in the unit we created. I believed in the company we both risked everything for. 

Starting the company with me quitting my job and making cold calls from his mother’s house on a bar stool, with no money for food, but crix the vital supply and cream cheese in the fridge, waiting for him to come back to his mother’s home, in hopes he brought some “ACTUAL” food. 

The break up was obvious, we both outgrew each other, my wants were totally different from his. He was focused on the business, I was focused on building my own family, one had to win and he did… The business pushed both of us to the breaking point. Fights were numerous, terrible words were flung at each other, arms pushing, voices raising…… and he won… the business won… I faded into the background while the company was buffed and shined like a diamond. 

I laughed when I saw him. I smiled, greeted him like my brother, spoke to him like my best friend, after not seeing him for ages. There was no hate, no malice, no disgust….. I genuinely asked … and this made me laugh my ass off…. “How is the madam?”….. lol….

This man, that I gave my everything for at one point in time, was just an individual. 

His madam, was reaping the benefits of my blood, sweat and tears, not to mention the numerous fights I had with my family just being in an interracial relationship……Shameful…Nothing good is going to come out of that… This was back then. To a point they were wrong… Something good came out of it…. 

That good thing… was ME. A bigger, stronger, faster, independent, NO BULLSHIT woman…. With the warmest smile, but the coldest heart. 

I was left with twelve dollars in a joint account we had together, after dedicating every penny back into the business, fooling myself into believing he would take care of me…. Pish tosh… take care of whom???

After the shitty break up, I never really genuinely got closure, the cancer flared up, I got extremely sick due to uncontrollable emotions. I was a wreck, so I swallowed up all emotions, and bottled them up cause I would literally kill myself, if I allowed this to resurface. 

First time I cried my eyes out in front of my old man, he did not even look at me, all he can say to me as I remember up to today.. “Look, stop that crying, it’s not going to get you anywhere, start all over… and you will make it on your own. You are a Singh.” 

That was all I needed to hear… Starting over was shitty as hell… I threw myself into fighting, getting the shit kicked out of me. Training at odd hours and loving the pain of getting kicked in the ribcage. This pain was easier to handle than my breaking heart and my wounded soul and the silence that surrounded me. Hmmmm…. The years that made me into the woman I am today. Waow…

I wanted closure, but, how could I when every time I thought of him, the old clawing scraping pain that I hid from came to the forefront…. 

But, I do believe, this time around, meeting him…. I think God sent him....I did get the closure I wanted. I smiled when I saw him…. 

I want the best for my old dear friend, he does deserve the best…. After it all… 

To my dear friend…”Ride or Die”…….. as we told each other when we were that unbreakable team… so stupid when you are young and full of love and adoration for the man you proudly called yours… 

I wish you and your madam the best coming from the very pits of my dark heart. 

Thank you for making me the monster I am.

Personally I think…. Wait… I know… I am fucking awesome.. so thanks for those tough years…

XOXOXO

Ms. Singh