Introspection....

I sometimes wonder and start thinking when all my foundation turns into wet sand. There is so much of my life I have let slip through my fingers without catching every opportunity by the balls and twisting its very existence to my will.

I sat on my bed for the latter half of the day just praying and pondering about my reason for being here. What was the point? Is there a greater reason for me even being here or am I just taking up space?

A lot of crap went down to get me to this point. I am sure we are all familiar with the saying “when it rains it pours” well it was that mixed with “kick em’ while he’s down”. That’s ahhhh…..yeah… that’s how it feels right about now.

Firstly, the job that I was so excited to be in, technically bullshitted me into believing they were so amazing and international. Yeah right! The public service provides and pay more to their workers than what I am getting now. They have a union that actually is doing something for them to get more money!!! Sigh….Baffle me with bullshit why don’t you, then slap me with a line that I won’t think I will ever forget from any of my employers, “ we should be grateful we have jobs, with the economic downturn” this response was prompted from me asking for what I was promised from the get go.

Yeah I am pissed! I keep telling myself, stick it out, I am sure you will learn something in the long run. A bloody dead end marathon I am in. Steupes.

Secondly, the Government of this lovely party centric country did the same. I guess it was just my month for lies and deceit and baffling. All because of some ancient chick with foundation to finish make up telling him I am, get this folks, I am too pretty and young for the job! What the fuck? Really…. I mean really! Too pretty and too young, they never mentioned under qualified. I could have more than done the job. The job description was easy as pie and it aint that hard to manage so what was the point? They want to waste my young and pretty time I guess…

Thirdly, some punk ass bitches held me up at my own home for my vehicle. Blasted nit wits, with their pants that fit by the knees, I swear on my cancer, if he was not pointing a fucking barrel to my head I would have been in jail for manslaughter. So I guess its all good. All they did was steal my money from my bags and put their disgusting hands through my books, also, putting my van in the middle of a swamp and putting a dent on it. Not that I am hating or anything….. where are the emoticons when I need them?????  Thanks for stealing my money to go up for my surgery guys. Great job!

Fourthly, I am so strapped right now for cash I can’t even pay for tuition. Again, thanks guys you all did a banged up job. I have exhausted my siblings for aid regarding all the cancer surgeries and I just had enough of asking and getting the long excuse why they cant. I hate asking in general.

Fifthly, men. That’s all I am gonna say…lol.

All these situations led me to taking the day and just sitting and thinking aloud:

1)       “Did I start the holocaust?”

2)      “Why am I having such a frigged up month?”

I sat down and spoke to God, left voice mails, sent e-mails, bbmed, text, SOS, smoke signaled him, I got a response in the middle of it which hit me like a KMG knee to the chin. “I am here”……….

That was it, and that was all I needed to hear. I guess in the midst of silence you can quiet the mind and listen to what truly matters, what God says. If it does not make sense now, it will hit you somewhere down the line. I was in truth and in fact hoping the Big Man was gonna finish it with something like, “The lotto numbers are…..” but, I guess I have to get what I heard. In which I am very grateful for, means that I was being taken on and me bombarding all communication mediums finally worked.

Those three words cleared up everything that confused me and vanquished all the worry and confusion that lay before me. Everything started making sense.

There is nothing before its time and much to learn in the days to come.

Next time Big Man, pass some winning numbers.