LACK OF LOVE…FROM MYSELF….

Eyes opened to this reality for the first time like a new born baby I kept thinking. Why did I hate myself so much? Did I really think of myself so lowly that I would willingly want to put myself through so much ridiculous situations? I wonder if that’s why I have this internal prison that I am living in everyday.

You are probably wondering what in the world am I talking about and where it’s going.

To be honest I have no idea where it’s going but I can surely tell you about its origin.

It was a cold night, the wind blowing through the trees causing the rust of the rackety, old gate flaked in the wind…….No not really, although, that would be an amazing Stephen King start up novel.

 Ok, truth be told, I was nineteen years old, life going according to plan, finally got the swing of kick boxing and continuous, rigorous training. Finally making some cash from a job I got off of my father at an engineering firm and could have afforded the shoes from all the years of window shopping at Nine West. Everything going according to plan, I would confidently sound off in my head time to time.

But then again, what the higher power had in store for me was not as I very well saw four miles ahead of my life. The family outing proved that in every realm necessary. The waves of the beach were far out into the distance and the sand beneath my feet was so hot, thoughts of the dessert came to mind. I perched myself on a log beneath the scanty covers of a coconut tree branch that tried with all its might to block the harsh rays of the sun, while I looked onto my family bathe and relax in the ocean.

Weak with the newly onset of a fever and the humidity of the air caused my skin to have an odd reaction. I felt it rising from within me. One by one, small circles of white appeared all over my body. So weakened from the heat, I called out to my sisters to come for me and just go home.

I woke up and remembered being in the van wrapped up in a sheet with cups of ice being poured down my throat to lessen the fever that seemed uncontrollable. Getting home was the difficult, so many of us and all our emotions running on high.

Food has lost its taste; the only thing that kept me sated was the frosts build up within the fridge walls. Everyone in my family had no idea what we were dealing with.

The weekend was over and on the Monday we went for an examination…. All doctor’s offices look the same. In my weakened state, one of my favorite sisters pulled me up and dragged me to the doctor’s office for them to evaluate…

The next few words confused the living shit out of me…