No Light. No Light.

Everything seemed dim, the lights felt like someone placed a bullhorn at my ear and played "Rage against the Machine" on repeat. Really did not matter, could have been any song from them really. Its always loud. The rain outside, beating down on my window brought nothing but pain, the waves of coldness froze my very bones that yearned for some warmth. I was alone. Getting up seemed to be such a task, just to get some biofreeze to rub on these legs that somehow ended up being alien to me. The fever was internal and had me shake back and forth like a child waiting to be exorcised. Emily-Rose live and uncut! Pain was excruciating, I moaned, groaned, screamed, but my warm filled neighbors ignored the sounds and went ahead with their many issues of "not being married", "why am I single". A bunch of frivolous though patterns developing in their sorry souls when there are so many other important things to be done and people to help. Blocking them were 6inches of steel and concrete. If concerned ever glimmered in their selfish thoughts the moans of pain were three steps away. But, assholes yet exist and oddly enough I surround myself with them. During the great times, everyone seems to be present and forefront, but when I am close to giving up, everyone steps backward away from reach and just enough distance between themselves and I to not hear me. Phone calls went unanswered, to "friends" that I would usually stick my head out on a block for. But the new shiny glow that formed the attraction in the first place is not there anymore. I have become a pitted cancer patient friend, that is aided when they have time, or give their monthly forms of charity so their ever-living souls are not the first to be ripped apart repeatedly in the depths of a burning hell. All their demons within their minds dancing in front of their very eyes over and over and salvation, the only escape, death, no where close. Sometimes, loneliness is rampant in my thoughts and it then seeps into my dreams, it will just be me and the sky. Strangely, no one is around, during, pain, sorrow, happiness, no emotion is quelled by the hands of another, just for a few to re-build what was broken. I always thought "heaven help me, I need to make it right".......... With time passing as my soul created a rhythm with the ticking hands of time I am with the solace of God picking up my tired feet and walking me along, I am learning to make it right. I am learning to forgive the extreme assholes who can turn their eternally ugly and unworthy souls from someone in pain and dying. I am learning to accept that I kept "friends" that wasted my time and gave false promises, a rope that made you think was a life line, ended up disintegrating in your very palms while you fell into the depth of nothingness. No light, No light. I am learning that my blood line is the strongest rope I will ever need. I am learning to forgive the ignorant, for they not know who I am, and heaven help them, when they do. I know who I am, I may have cancer, but, by God's grace, I will kill this, and every unhappiness, every lie, and every ill treatment that was directed to me. I forgive you all, but you all wont be forgotten. Thanks to my parents for making me into the strongest bitch of a woman you all ever could have. Thanks sisters, for being my support when I fell. For the sister that cant be here, thanks for making me feel better. Thanks for making me feel I have a use all over again. When I lost my path, you put me back on it. For the sister that found herself by my side in two seconds, you are an angel. A bitch, but an angel nonetheless. Thanks to true friends, that stood by the terrible parts of my life and allowed me to enjoy the fun times. Cheers to the liars that twisted their many knives in my heart and back. You all have no idea what you all created. But thank you. You all made me stronger than I would ever be. You demons, will always show yourselves in plain sight. But with heaven help, I WILL make it right. For the old friends that found their God, my life may not align to yours, but, that does not mean we cannot be friends during this fight. Pray for me. Let your God see we bleed the same way. We are no different. This fight is for a good few more years, and I will end it when I see fit..... Till then, cancer can put up their battle outfits, cause I will always be ready. The liars and demons, stick around and make it interesting................Dont go.... This fight is not done. Round 3....... MS