2am.... lights are off, and half of my country is asleep and the next fifty fiver percent are drunk probably partying to the repetitive songs on the airwaves in a crushed club setting, beams of coloured lasers flashing across their girating bodies, the other fiver percent, roaming their self made fortresses watching every incremental tick of the clock. From the time mentioned at the begining of this blog, you can ascertain which segment I am placed within.
I chemically induce sleep, my mind flashing across every moment, every thought, every touch I have had throughout the day. Unfortunately tonight is one where the darkness and no amount of sleep pills can help in any manner.
I sometimes wonder, what am I running from when my eyes are kept open and my mind refuses to succum to the natural clock I shackle my physical self into. Why can't I confront these demons? Why can't I stand firmly and debate every item that supports my insomnia into submission. What have I done to my mind, body and spirit where the earth and rest became my enemy?
These questions have gone unanswered for the past few years.........
Warm loving touches of comforting hands that would sooth me into a slumber have become memories that have been fading into ghost that now haunt my thoughts. Loneliness creeps into my time to regenerate and a bed full of pillows have become my moat, but, they are just not warm, nor loving enough.
I indulge in everything that comes across my path, trying to tire my physical and mental into some sort of stop light that will allow me to just STOP my mind from wondering into the wee hours.
I recognize, much to my disappointment, that I have created a distance between finding comfort in my fellow kind that exists on this earth. The boundaries have been blurred beyond recognition, where there was once a cut off point when it came to finding a job that pays the bills to living for my job.....
My heart has become one that beats to function and succeed than one to love and nurture.
My thoughts have become methodical than one to create.
My stomach has become one in which sustenance is needed to pump chemo into my system, instead of being filled with butterflies and euphoria.
Trying to revert to the naive, bright eyed, bushy tailed,smiling inexperienced childlike person I once knew and love, requires a level of discipline I no longer know nor wish to know.
I have tried for the world not to make me into a prisoner, where the words nor actions done unto me created an unsympathetic, manipulative robot.
What else does this world have for someone like myself, and when will the ice break so I can breathe in the love for living once more within the cold lifeless tomb I have built for myself?
Rest.......
Ms. S. Singh
1 comment:
Once u allow yourself to be open to the "butterflies and euphoria", I'm sure, for someone like you, it won't take long for all the positives that are associated to become ever present..
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